Thursday, July 21, 2011

10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

My niece blogged about how she envisions her potential future daughter, and it reminded me of a hilarious Facebook post a friend wrote on her husband's rules for dating their daughter. I am stealing it from her to post here - I know if he got it from somewhere else, but it always makes me laugh. Another friend who is scary looking, pierced and tattooed plans on meeting any boy who wants to date his daughter at the front door, buck-naked, with a shotgun in one hand and a beer in the other. If they still want to try to come inside he will consider letting her leave with them:

10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter (when and if that time ever comes)

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Big Scary Storm

So, there has been no rain in South Texas in a very, very long time. Finally on Thursday we were hit with rain and thunder. The kids loved it, except for L who has no memory of storms. B-dog, as usual was terrified and tried to convince the stuffies in the closet to protect her. I have serious doubts about her ability to protect us if it is raining outside when a burglar breaks in.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Blog Re-Boot

I have decided to take blogging back up. Life got away from me, but I realize I miss it. I was also trying to divide my blogs into separate bits - one for cooking, one for school, one for home. However, this blog combines them all.

Let's see how long this lasts :0

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Enchilada chicken over rice

Today is one of my cheat days. I am using up some items I have in the fridge and pantry

1 can green enchilada sauce (or if you have preferred recipe, use that...I need to find one)
2 large chicken breasts
1 large onion, sliced
3 Tablespoons butter
1 cup Jalapeno and artichoke dip from Costco (alternately add 1 Cup sour cream, plus diced artichoke hearts, and chopped japalenos)
salt to taste

Cooked rice

Put chicken and onions in slow cooker with the enchilada sauce. Cook until done (6 hours on low). Shred chicken in slow cooker then mix in butter, and dip. Salt to taste and serve over cooked rice.

Somehow I forgot to take a picture...must have been all that taste-testing.

Baked beans

My mum always made these beans. I tweaked the recipe a little because her's are sweeter than I like:

- Soak 1 lb beans overnight. Next morning, boil for 1 hr.
- in bean pot, put 1/4 cup molasses, 1/4 cup tomato paste, 1/4 cup brown sugar, and 1 Tablespoon mustard.
- Quarter 1 onion, and put in pot along with the beans.
- Cover beans with water, and put block of salt pork on top. Cover
-bake for 7hrs at 300 degrees, then test for doneness. Keep cooking without lid for 1 more hour.

Chicken Nuggets

Cut chicken breast into "nugget" pieces.

Dredge them in flour, then in an egg wash (a few eggs and a drop of milk), and finally seasoned breadcrumbs - I like to save old bread and make my own seasoned breadcrumbs. This time I put in garlic and jerk seasoning. Fry in your preferred oil and you come out with yummy, not processed disgusting, nuggets.

Garlic Butter

...just because it involves two of my most favourite things - garlic and butter.

Whipped up a batch to melt over noodles

1 stick (1/2 Cup) butter - softened
Crushed Garlic to taste
salt to taste

Stir all ingredients together and allow to sit at room temp to blend flavours. Use on bread or over noodles, or just about anywhere.